New Phone Scam

[Tessa K]

I got a call on my landline earlier:

"Hi, this is Tony from MI5, the Secret Service. Can I speak to Mrs Kxxx?'

First off, no one calls on my landline except my mum, which is why I have it.

Secondly I'm not a Mrs.

I really wanted to string him along to see what he was after but the line was so terrible I could barely hear him.

Has anyone else had this scam call? I'd love to know what he wanted and how he was going to make me believe he was MI5.

[Martin Y]

That's an odd one.

I suppose the idea is that you would do whatever it was he intended because you accepted his authority, but picking MI5 is perhaps overreaching. It's so surreal that victims will doubt the call could be genuine. If he had picked something a little more mundane like CID or the fraud squad or from the office of the financial ombudsman or some completely invented but vaguely familiar sounding department, then he would surely have stood a better chance of bamboozling you. MI5 is just spy movie stuff.

[Aitch]

I had something vaguely similar a few months ago:

Caller: This is the police.
Me: Oh yeah?
Caller: <hangs up>

not heard anything since. Rather odd. Possibly related to yours?

[Brightonian]

Isn't this the thing with scammers though, that they want to filter out the 99% of people who don't get taken in easily, so they can put their resources into the most gullible 1%?

[Little waster]

Ahhh bless my last scam call went something like this:-

Scammer: Hello I'm from the Internet we've noticed your router will switch off in the next 4 hours, would you mind hanging on until I've put you through to the Internet's Technical Department.

Me: Well I'm convinced ...

[Gfamily]

I think I may have mentioned the time the supervisor of the scammer called back to complain that I was very rude to the scammer.

[Bird on a Fire]

Ahhh bless my last scam call went something like this:-

Scammer: Hello I'm from the Internet we've noticed your router will switch off in the next 4 hours, would you mind hanging on until I've put you through to the Internet's Technical Department.

Me: Well I'm convinced ...

Windows phoned me several times about the virus they had detected on my laptop (which runs Linux, btw). I briefly thought about stringing them along but I couldn't really be arsed.

[basementer]

I think I may have mentioned the time the supervisor of the scammer called back to complain that I was very rude to the scammer.

I liked Stephanie's account of winding up a scammer that ended

Scammer: "Do you think I'm STUPID?"
Stephanie: "Yes, actually I do."
(Scammer hangs up)

[gosling]

My mother had one of these shortly after she retired...

Scammer: Hi, I'm calling from unitelligible. We've noticed you've got a problem with your windows.
Mum (confused): Oh I don't think so, I've got double glazing. They're fine.
Scammer (sensing an easy mark): Oh no, not your house windows, the Windows on your computer.
M: I don't think so, I haven't used it for ages.
S: Someone else must have been using it.
M (realises what's going on): Oh, I see, well I don't think that's likely, but if you say so...
S: I suggest you turn on your computer and we'll have a look at what's happening.
M: OK, let me fetch it. (Puts kettle on, rummages in drawers and cupboards, then pulls out laptop). I've turned it on.
S: Very good, now open your browser ...
M: It takes a while to get started (more time wasting) ... OK, I've done that.
S: Now type this into the url bar (presumably some logmein b.llsh.t)
M: Right, I've done that.
S: Hm, I can't see anything on my end, did you press enter?
M: Yes dear, but then I don't have the internet at home, which is why this hasn't worked. Goodbye!

[Martin Y]

Isn't this the thing with scammers though, that they want to filter out the 99% of people who don't get taken in easily, so they can put their resources into the most gullible 1%?

Good point. Yes, that might be the very reason they pitched a tale that would raise the suspicions of all but the most blindly trusting.

[Blackcountryboy]

Scammer - This is Microsoft someone is trying to take over your computer.
Me - Yes, I know that.
Scammer - You know?
Me - Yes and I know who it is.
Scammer - Who is it?
Me - You.
Scammer - I will ring you every 5 minutes day and night, you won't get a minutes peace.

I put my phone down and am still waiting for the first of the every 5 min calls.

[JQH]

Scammer: This is your internet service provider and we think you are having problems with your connection

Me: Really? How can you tell?

Scammer: We have systems that monitor download speeds.

Me: That's very clever. Since you're so clever, you'll be able to name my internet provider, won't you?

Scammer: ..................Er .................................<hangs up>

[Martin Y]

… I put my phone down and am still waiting for the first of the every 5 min calls.

I once got a call back.

Can't remember the details of the scammer's pitch but I agreed to go check whatever it was on my computer, then placed the phone on the sofa beside me and went on with whatever I was doing. After some time I think I heard a voice trying to get my attention but eventually they hung up.

Anyway, perhaps an hour later I got another call from someone shouting incoherently in a language I couldn't understand. I like to imagine they finished their shift at Thieves R Us and found I'd made them miss their day's quota of robbing vulnerable people.

[Opti]

Unfortunately, I only ever get those "I understand you were involved in an accident ..." phone calls.

I have a spiel ready for them that involves a terrorist incident in London. That usually pisses them off when they realise.

I long for the day that I get a Microsoft scammer. I gotta script ready for them too*. I just haven't had the chance to use it.

Oh well.

* I've only ever used macOS, or UNIX for girls. Windows is a mystery to me. Really, put me with a Windows machine and I turn into a wobbly thing. I know. My bad.

[veravista]

Or you could try my Windows tack when you're bored.

Technical advisor at Microsoft: You have a problem with your Windows computer
Me: Oh god, really? Which one?
Technical advisor at Microsoft: Your Windows computer
Me: I heard you. Which one? I develop applications, so I've got '97, Millenium, XP, 7, etc:
Technical advisor at Microsoft: Your Windows computer
Me: Hang on, I'll run a check. (turn on radio, place phone next to it and go and make lunch)

Record so far is about 10 minutes, persistent little bugger he was

[Martin Y]

Unfortunately, I only ever get those "I understand you were involved in an accident ..." phone calls.

I get those, but these days it's always a robot voice, not a person.

To be fair, I get very few scam calls. Might go several months between "I'm calling about the accident" calls and the "This is Microsoft" calls are a once in a few years events.

[plebian]

I get loads of the you were in an accident ones, my phone forwards unknown numbers to voicemail and I don't pick that up.

If I anticipate being called from an unknown number I know about, I'll add it in first. Luckily the only unknown unknown call that wasn't a claim line was Donald Rumsfeld. Phew!

[Little waster]

I like to imagine they finished their shift at Thieves R Us and found I'd made them miss their day's quota of robbing vulnerable people.

... and were therefore forced to step on upturned plugs while wearing socks.

I can dream.

[Tessa K]

Telling them you have a Mac usually gets rid of the Microsoft ones. I told one of them once to f.ck off because they were a bunch of criminals and the guy swore back at me, which was hilarious.

No further word from MI5 today although there was a helicopter flying round over here last night and my Internet connection was terrible. Post hoc ergo...

[malbui]

I screen all the calls on my landline but once picked up out of boredom to hear an Indian speaking terrible French, informing me that my computer was sending out viruses. I asked him what my IP address was. <bzzzzzzzzzzz>

[Tessa K]

Pretending you work for Microsoft and asking them which department they're in is a fun one. If they ask what department you are, say Online Fraud.

[Cardinal Fang]

Sibling and parent live together. They have a league table of who can keep scammers on the phone for longest before they hang up in frustration. Sibling is winning at the mo with 11 minutes.

CF

[Martin_B]

When I got them I used to answer with: "Penzance Coast Guard, please state your emergency" (almost no-one else called my landline). This flustered them until one guy tried calling my bluff, and I threatened him with the Police for wasting emergency services time and making a false emergency call.

Nowadays I mostly get either Chinese (I got a Chinese friend to listen to a voicemail message one left and he said it was a scam) or people from the UK asking if I need help transferring my pension to Australia (I did this ~8 years ago and know more about the regulations than they do).

[Bird on a Fire]

I've had a few "We're calling about the accident you've had" ones. I wish I'd thought of something clever to say like, "How did you hear I've just shat my pants?" but, alas.

When I got them I used to answer with: "Penzance Coast Guard, please state your emergency" (almost no-one else called my landline).

I don't have a landline, but nobody normally calls my mobile either. So, naturally, I hardly ever answer it (I also don't want to encourage people I know to phone me), and if I hear something like "I'm calling from the bank" I assume it's a scam and hang up.

I wracked up a lot of late fees once when I changed countries and bank accounts and forgot to update a direct debit.

[Millennie Al]

I get loads of the you were in an accident ones, ...

I haven't had one for a long time, but have a suitable scenario anyone can use for it which I have not yet tried. Ask if there would be a big payout for getting seriously injured, is it bigger the more serious injury, and then finally admit that it was a fatal accident and that you're actually dead.

Another alternative is to ask if you can sue the owner for your injuries as it was a very powerful car. Eventually admit that you stole it.

For maximum hilarity, combine the two.