Scrutable

Template for DIY satirical political roadmap for the incumbent

Gfamily wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 11:53 pm Template for DIY satirical political roadmap for the incumbent
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When I ran the basic maths, I failed to take into account government ministers who ripped into Johnson in their resignation letters a few months ago, but now write lovely little tributes of support.

Compare and contrast Zahawi's statements:

You are a lying piece of sh.t, scum of the earth, f.ck out of Number 10 right now you pathetic little clown.

Now is a time for our one true statesman Boris to lead once again this noble island race, to restore us to integrity, to win back our honour, to bring us prosperity, and we grateful servants will know he is devoting every minute to humble sacrifice for the good of our nation.

Woodchopper wrote: Sat Oct 22, 2022 9:48 am Whoever wins it looks like the other faction has more than 40 MPs. The Tories haven’t done what they should in the circumstances and coalesce around one candidate.

40 is the number because that’s about what it’ll take to reduce the government’s majority to zero.

Normally MPs can be persuaded to stay loyal because the House of Commons is the greatest club in the world and they want to stay there. But if Labour looks to be on for a landslide Tory backbenchers won’t care.

So look forward to two years of rebellions and knife edge votes.

Possible that whoever wins will be able to comfortably win a no-confidence vote and pass a budget as the Tory back benchers aren’t going to vote themselves out of a job. But the Prime Minister can’t actually pass any meaningful legislation.

It’s not about passing legislation though, is it? Do any of the candidates have a political passion?

Boris has a political passion. She's called Nadine.

But fair point, none of them really want to do any legislation. It's mostly stopping legislation for their puppet masters - no sugar tax, no reduction in fossil fuel sales, no money laundering measures.

I'm starting to think that Johnson might actually be the less bad choice for the Tory party.

Sunak being less immediately toxic, but just building up slowly. And with sufficient financial skeletons to remind people. As well as coming across as utterly smug and unlikeable, even compared to Gove or Hunt.

Lol. A timeline if Johnson wins:

- immediately: around 5-15 Tory MPs resign the whip. Some defect to Labour/Lib Dems/Reform. The markets tank. Interest rates rise. The Times has already turned against Johnson, the Telegraph is half-supportive, half-opposing. The Daily Mail continues to be insane. The Sun continues to ignore politics. Nonetheless, the Tories pick up points in the opinion polls, with Labour only 15-20 points ahead. Labour demand a general election.

- within a week: Johnson tries to form a cabinet. Sunak refuses to serve. Most of his backers refuse to serve. Labour start referring to a cabinet of the hopeless, or something similar, and demand a general election.

- within 2-4 weeks: the privileges Committee starts hearing evidence. Stories start emerging of just how bad things were in No. 10 during the lockdowns, about what Johnson saw, about what he said, about the decisions he made and the discussions he had when the stories started emerging. The pictures is clear: he knowingly lied to Parliament. Labour demand a general election.

- end of Nov/start of Dec: the Committee recommends Johnson is suspended from the commons for a time (2 weeks?). Rumours emerge that Johnson wants to whip against the vote. Brexit hard man Steve Baker, David Davis, Charles Walker, etc, lead a backbench rebellion and refuse to be whipped on this. Johnson backs off and allows a freer vote (or goes ahead and loses). Possibly one or two ministers resign. Johnson is suspended. Labour demand a general election.

- mid-December: a recall petition is started in Uxbridge, and clears the minimum level. A by-election is called for January.

- Christmas: a story emerges that Johnson f.cked someone we've not heard about before. I dunno, Nadine Dorries' daughter or something. The Tories go 25 points behind in the polls again. Labour demand a general election.

- Jan: the by-election happens. Johnson loses and is forced to resign as PM. Again. The Tories agree just to f.cking give it it Sunak. Labour demand a general election.

- Jan 2025: there is a general election.

Current state of play:

215 MPs declared of 357 (60%). Many mad MPs have declared already, but the ERG won't meet until tomorrow, so several still to come.

Sunak: 135 MPs (63% of those declared)
Johnson: 56 MPs (26%)
Mordaunt: 24 MPs (11%)

142 MPs still to go. If those proportions hold up, the tallies will end up something like:

Sunak: 225 MPs
Johnson: 93 MPs
Mordaunt: 39 MPs

Sunak wins by default.

Johnson has to hope that there are proportionally more insane MPs left in the remaining pack than have already declared. The bad news is that Theresa Villiers has just declared for Sunak.

I might be wrong about the insanity levels of the Tories. Let's see in this exciting latest episode of Who Wants To Be Captain Of The Titanic?

El Pollo Diablo wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 12:27 pm Current state of play:

215 MPs declared of 357 (60%). Many mad MPs have declared already, but the ERG won't meet until tomorrow, so several still to come.

Sunak: 135 MPs (63% of those declared)
Johnson: 56 MPs (26%)
Mordaunt: 24 MPs (11%)

142 MPs still to go. If those proportions hold up, the tallies will end up something like:

Sunak: 225 MPs
Johnson: 93 MPs
Mordaunt: 39 MPs

Sunak wins by default.

Johnson has to hope that there are proportionally more insane MPs left in the remaining pack than have already declared. The bad news is that Theresa Villiers has just declared for Sunak.

I might be wrong about the insanity levels of the Tories. Let's see in this exciting latest episode of Who Wants To Be Captain Of The Titanic?

That last line - is Mordaunt putting her name forward just to put it into the spotlight? Maybe with longer-term ambitions to actually lead the party?

Morguedaunt will withdraw. Why continue when she can annoint the king?

The Galactic Scriptwriters are playing this one for comedy. Obviously they intend to give Johnson 100 exactly.

lpm wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 12:54 pm Morguedaunt will withdraw. Why continue when she can annoint the king?

The Galactic Scriptwriters are playing this one for comedy. Obviously they intend to give Johnson 100 99 exactly.

FTFY

It later becomes apparent the missing vote was due to Johnson forgetting to vote for himself having been distracted by impregnating some junior Tory SPAD in the broom cupboard outside Graham Brady's office when on his way to vote.

The Mail then begins a campaign to have Johnson made Family Values Tsar to promote the nuclear family and the institute of marriage.

El Pollo Diablo wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 12:27 pm Current state of play:

215 MPs declared of 357 (60%). Many mad MPs have declared already, but the ERG won't meet until tomorrow, so several still to come.

Sunak: 135 MPs (63% of those declared)
Johnson: 56 MPs (26%)
Mordaunt: 24 MPs (11%)

142 MPs still to go. If those proportions hold up, the tallies will end up something like:

Sunak: 225 MPs
Johnson: 93 MPs
Mordaunt: 39 MPs

Sunak wins by default.

Johnson has to hope that there are proportionally more insane MPs left in the remaining pack than have already declared. The bad news is that Theresa Villiers has just declared for Sunak.

I might be wrong about the insanity levels of the Tories. Let's see in this exciting latest episode of Who Wants To Be Captain Of The Titanic?

The insane ones are more likely to shout loudly and immediately, IME. It's the ones trying to do deals or be clever that haven't declared yet.

It's possible some won't declare at all if Sunak is the only one with enough nominations. Remember this is the nomination stage, not the vote.

Mordaunt and Sunak have both formally declared that they are candidates. But I don’t think Johnson has yet.

Would be really funny if he doesn’t and leaves Rees Mogg and the rest feeling like they’ve been stood up.

lpm wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 11:01 am Boris has a political passion. She's called Nadine.

But fair point, none of them really want to do any legislation. It's mostly stopping legislation for their puppet masters - no sugar tax, no reduction in fossil fuel sales, no money laundering measures.

Not passing legislation is good in the sense that they won’t actively do more harm. But bad in that there could be another two years of stasis in which no one does anything serious about any of the very serious problems affecting Britain.

Ha! f.ck off you f.cking loser with your 102 imaginary friends.

Woodchopper wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 3:15 pm Mordaunt and Sunak have both formally declared that they are candidates. But I don’t think Johnson has yet.

Would be really funny if he doesn’t and leaves Rees Mogg and the rest feeling like they’ve been stood up.

Anyone had chance to contact JRM yet???

lpm wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 8:05 pm Ha! f.ck off you f.cking loser with your 102 imaginary friends.

He just can't help himself can he? Lying to the very end.

Johnson pulls out early.


For once.

He definitely would've won. You know it, I know it, he coulda been a contender. Instead of a c.nt. Those 478 MPs he definitely had backing him would've taken him over the line, but he's just too goddamned selfless to put the country party through that.

Still, at least now Truss goes tomorrow, and Sunak gets to meet the King, which is nice.

dyqik wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 8:53 pm Johnson pulls out early.


For once.

Bravo

Woodchopper wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 9:28 pm

dyqik wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 8:53 pm Johnson pulls out early.


For once.

Bravo

It wasn't exactly original.

Johnson is bad at politics. It's embarrassing he made it to the top.

He should have made himself unity candidate 2 weeks ago. Urging support for Truss. Calming the party nerves. And obviously if he missed that window, should have flown home the second Kwarteng resigned.

His count seemed to stall at 60. Storytelling in politics needs deep roots, ideally nurtured over years. You can't just cobble together a story in 48 hours.

dyqik wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 9:34 pm

Woodchopper wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 9:28 pm

dyqik wrote: Sun Oct 23, 2022 8:53 pm Johnson pulls out early.


For once.

Bravo

It wasn't exactly original.

Quite, Stanley Johnson should have done the pulling out early...